


Of silver and gold

by pulsivere



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, a lot of gayness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-24 13:21:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6155026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pulsivere/pseuds/pulsivere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec has always been brave. Maybe not as much as Jace, but brave enough to fight for the things he loves the most. Until he’s not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

**W** hither thou goest, I will go;  
Where thou diest, will I die  
And there will I be buried:  
The Angel do so to me, and more also,  
If aught but death part thee and me

- _Cassandra Clare, Parabatai Oath_

 

 

When Isabelle knocks on his bedroom door Alec is already awake. He’s still in bed, facing the wall.

Alec doesn’t turn around when she comes in. “What is it?”

“You missed breakfast. Again.”

“Well,” he says, trying to make his voice sound lighter, “you were the one cooking it after all.”

Isabelle doesn’t laugh. She sits on the edge of his bed, the mattress dipping under her weight. She smells like cinnamon. It burns Alec’s nose.

“We’ll figure something out, alright? We always do.”

Alec closes his eyes. “It’s a week away, Izzy. There’s nothing left to do.”

She stays silent after that. Alec would like to ask her a lot of things. Like where Jace is, who he’s with, if he’s with Clary. But he kind of already knows the answer, so he stays quiet too. It’s better not to know, sometimes.

“I’ll bring you some muffins. Mom bought them for Max so don’t worry about getting food poisoning,” Isabelle says gently.

The thing is he sort of wishes he’d get food poisoning, he wishes he was sick. He wishes he was dead. The thought should scare him, but it doesn’t. He’s only got a week left and then he’ll be a married man. Married to a woman. Alec shudders when he thinks about it, feels gross and nauseous when he pictures the honeymoon.

Isabelle ruffles his hair and goes away. It’s a shame, Alec thinks suddenly, that they won’t let her marry Meliorn. At least she’d enjoy some of it. Deep down he knows he’d feel worse if it was her they were forcing to marry. She may be a lot of things, but Isabelle has always been a good sister. She doesn’t deserve that fate.

Since his mother announced that he’ll have to marry Lydia, Alec has been thinking about a lot of things. He hasn’t met her yet, thankfully, but everyone insists she’s just lovely. As far as seelies go. He thinks about Jace and Clary. How it’s kind of her fault he’ll have to marry, how he wishes she’d just vanish into thin air and take Jace’s love _for_ her _with_ her. Not even an Agony rune would hurt this much. Not even death.

Alec kicks the covers off and grabs the clothes he was wearing the day before off the hamper. He locks himself in the bathroom and fills up the tub. It’s funny, he hasn’t had a bath in years. Showers are so much quicker and the spray makes it easier to get the dried blood off. Alec steps in and breathes in the steam but it doesn’t help with the knot in his throat. His stele feels heavy in his hand, foreign. Maybe because it knows what he’s about to do.

He’s never been too good at drawing runes. Isabelle has dainty wrists that flick every time she’s drawing one and Jace has never excelled in art. Alec likes the burn, though. It’s like a reminder, almost a punishment.

Shame turns his blood hot. Alec feels like a coward, knows he is acting like one. But the prospect of living the life he has been assigned under rules and a system he can’t, and doesn’t really want to, fight off is unbearable. He hears Izzy calling him through the door, but the rune he put on the lock is still fresh. She won’t be able to get inside in time.

Alec puts the stele against the pale skin of his wrist. Izzy starts to shout, she can probably smell the burning flesh. It’s not an easy rune, it’s not something that is taught but Alec has always been a good researcher.

 _May the Angel forgive me,_ Alec thinks briefly before the stele slips from his fingers and his eyelids start to feel too heavy, _may everyone forgive me for this._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

 

Jace’s parabatai rune starts to burn and then goes numb. It’s a scary type of numb.

He retrieves his hand from the mess that is Clary’s hair and runs his fingers over the rune. Usually, he’d be able to feel Alec’s heartbeat, breath. His life force, as Hodge likes to call it. Yet the rune stays silent.

“I need to go,” Jace says when his tongue unfreezes. “I think something happened to Alec.”

Clary blinks at him. “I’ll go back to the Institute with you.”

“No. You… find Simon and then meet me in the Institute. And try to call Magnus too… I-“ Jace stops midsentence and gasps, but it seems like air doesn’t want to get inside his lungs. He chokes into his fist.

Jace moves away from her touch. He can’t be here right now; there are bigger things to worry about. The jog to the Institute leaves him feeling breathless, in a funny way. He’s halfway up the stairs when he runs into Robert. He’s paler than Jace has ever seen him and doesn’t seem to recognize Jace at first.

“What’s happened?” Jace asks, grabbing onto his arm.

Robert looks away. His voice is calm when he speaks next, “Alec.”

Jace’s parabatai rune is still scarily numb. “What about Alec?”

Jace can’t wait for Robert to explain. He climbs up the stairs in a race, turns to the right and runs to Alec’s room. There are a lot of people waiting outside and Jace doesn’t like this. Everything’s eerie, quiet. The Institute has never been a place of silence.

He spots Maryse by the door. “Where’ Alec?”

Her mouth is a straight white line. She’s upset, Jace can tell, but never enough to lose her composure.

“It seems he… used a forbidden rune on himself,” Maryse replies.

“Which one?” Jace demands to know. “Which rune, Maryse?”

“I think you know Jace.”

He’s known since his own rune started to burn. He’s felt it under his skin, deep in his bones. Jace certainly feels it now, like his whole body is covered in ants. He pushes his way through Maryse and other Shadowhunters standing by the door and finds Izzy sitting in Alec’s bed. Still, no Alec.

Isabelle’s always taken a lot of pride in her passion, mainly because it separates her from her mother’s cold attitude, but now she’s hiding her face into her hands and trying to steady her breathing. Jace remembers that time Alec busted his knee and was trying hard not to cry in front of the two of them, how Isabelle had said the best way to deal with things was to let it all out. To Jace it doesn’t seem like she’s doing that now.

“Izzy. What happened? Where the fuck is he?”

She points to the bathroom. “They locked me out. I left for a second and he. Dear Angel.”

Jace pushes the door open with such force that if anyone had been leaning on it they’d be on the other side of the room. There are three people there. All warlocks.

“You can’t be here,” the youngest says, ready to send him away using magic if he has to. “Go away.”

“He’s my parabatai, I can’t-“

“Let him,” another voice says. Alec would want him to, I think.”

It’s Magnus.

Jace gets closer to the tub which is still full of now cold water. Alec almost looks asleep in it, except Jace knows better. He goes to hold his hand but Magnus stops him.

“He’s dying,” Magnus says while he works on Alec with his hands. There’s a lot of black smoke in the room. “There’s not a lot I kind do.”

Jace feels his ribs strangling his chest. “Yes, there’s always something you can do. Use my life energy, put him in a coma until he’s strong enough. Magnus don’t let him die like this. Magnus-“

 

“This is how he wanted to die,” Magnus cuts him off. “This is what he chose, Jace.”

 

Jace reaches out again and Magnus doesn’t stop him. He brushes some of Alec’s damp hair out of his face, runs his fingers down his cheeks to his jaw and stops at the base of his neck, feeling for a pulse. Feeling for anything. He doesn’t need to feel for a pulse because he can feel Alec’s heartbeat in his own ears, can feel every gush of blood in his veins.

 

Alec looks at ease. His eyes are closed, long and wet eyelashes resting against his cheeks. He’s always been so pale, Jace thinks. Even his lips are turning white. Jace’s eyes fall on the burnt mark on his wrist. It looks painful, a swollen black that looks more like a wound than a rune. Alec’s fingernails are turning blue.

 

“Please,” Jace whispers again. “don’t let him go like this.”

 

Magnus signals for the two other warlocks to gather closer to Alec’s body, pushing Jace out of the way. They all put their hands on him, palms facing up. None of them say any magic incantations; there is no chanting, no secret potion. It looks like they’re praying.

 

Jace has never cried in front of anyone in his life, yet when he feels warmth spreading all over his parabatai rune he buries his face in his knees and cries.

 

It’s not until hours later that Magnus has changed the whole bathroom into a new bedroom, very similar to a mundane hospital room. Alec’s in bed, still wet. Somehow Jace knows it’s not because of the water of the tub, but that he’s sweating.

 

Robert and Maryse have both come in twice each, dragging Isabelle out when she was too sleepy to protest. Simon and Clary had come too, but Magnus said they couldn’t all come inside. It’d upset Alec, he said. However, he didn’t say anything about Jace’s presence. If anything, he had ignored Jace completely.

 

 _Whither thou goest, I will go_ , Jace thought while looking at Alec. Parabatai means being closer than brothers, it’s almost like having a conjoined twin. There’s only one place where the parabatai bond has no effect, a place where the oath becomes too weak to feel. Death has a tendency to take things that don’t belong to it, and it doesn’t make Jace uncomfortable to think of Alec as his, though it may sound strange to anyone else.

 

Jace stands from the chair he had pushed earlier to be closer to Alec’s bed. His neck makes some funny noises when he turns his head to look at Alec’s bandaged wrist. Magnus said it’d take months to heal.

 

He needs to talk to Izzy about this whole thing. And even though Magnus said he’s in a sleep so deep that could almost be death, Jace just hopes Alec won’t wake up while he’s gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

 

 

 Alec’s right wrist is on fire. He can feel it even in his sleep. The way it aches and itches all the time. He can’t feel anything besides that burn, not his body or where he’s laying-if he’s laying at all. But Alec knows he’s not dead, which is… fairly disappointing to say the least.  
There’s no way to measure time, so he’s not sure how long he’s been like this. Every once in a while he can feel someone or something touching him, he becomes faintly aware of his body again, and then it’s all gone. Sometimes it feels like a bird rubbing its wings against his skin, or like a breeze of wind slipping through an open window and giving him goosebumps. Every time it happens it leaves Alec aching for something more.

  
In the darkness of his solitude he has time to think. Perhaps too much time. It seems to go on and on and on, stretching itself into infinity until Alec feels like he’s always been like this. He thinks about his parents, about Izzy. He thinks a lot about Jace, but not like he always used to. It’s funny, in a sick way.  
Alec remembers all the times he laid his heart on the table for Jace, how it got rejected every single time. Before, when they were both kids, it was easy to blame Jace’s indifference on his fucked up childhood. It was easy to pretend Jace was scared of loving someone, anyone, to give Alec a change. As they got older, Jace’s indifference vanished but was replaced by their mild friendship. They took the oath, they became more than brothers, and yet that still wasn’t enough for Alec.  
Jace has always known this, Alec thinks. He’s known since the day he saw Alec stuttering because of him, flushed and in love. He’s always known the effect he has on Alec. Maybe he’s not only been aware of this, but has been using it on his favor all these years. Jace knows Alec would kill for him, that he’d die for him. Would Jace do the same?  
If it was Clary or Alec…

  
Alec knows deep in his bones Jace would choose Clary over anything, even his own brother. The thought makes his wrist hurt even more, if that’s possible, so he tries not to think about it too much. Except it’s really all he can think about.

  
It doesn’t happen gradually, or in steps. One moment he’s lost in that nothingness and the next he’s there again. Alec can feel the tips of his fingers, the itchy blanket on his legs, the cool air on his bare arms. If he could just move.

  
There aren’t any sounds, not even a bird singing in the distance or footsteps or the constant chattering he had grown accustomed to in the Institute. He can’t smell the perfume his mother always wears, a spicy cinnamon. He can’t smell the shampoo Izzy lives by, the one with the magic herbs that makes her hair grow stronger. Alec realizes he’s alone without even opening his eyes.

  
Trying to open up his eyes turns out to be a losing battle. No matter how much effort he puts into it, they just won’t give in. His eyelids are too heavy, he feels too tired. A mundane feeling takes over him, too. Alec feels so… depressed.

  
By the time he manages to pry his eyes open everything is too bright. Alec feels like he’s about to go blind from all the light. Blinking helps a bit.  
It’d be a lie to say he’s not disappointed by the lack of company. The room is completely empty. He hadn’t given it too much thought, but the fact that he’ll have to face them all again…

  
There’s an explosion of colors in the corner, purple smoke rising to the ceiling, and Magnus steps out of it.

  
He stops humming when he realizes Alec’s awake. Or as awake as he can possibly be.

  
“Hello there, Alexander,” Magnus tells him softly. He comes closer to what Alec guesses is a bed. “You look… not so good, to be quite honest.”

  
Alec opens his mouth to say something, anything, but just a pitiful sound comes out. His mouth is as dry as a desert.

  
Magnus winces at the sound, makes a water glass appear out of thin air and holds it to Alec’s lips. It tastes what heaven feels like, probably. Alec gulps it down in less than five seconds and licks his lips when he’s done.

  
“What happened?” he finally rasps out.

  
“You used the Death rune. On yourself.” Magnus blinks at him, his eyes are green this time. He looks strangely… beautiful. “I had to put you to sleep for a while, so that your body could heal itself properly.”

  
Alec coughs, says, “I. I’m sorry they dragged you into this.”

  
“No one dragged me into anything,” Magnus snaps at him. “I’m here because I want to be, that’s it.”

  
“I wish… I wish I could say thank you, but.”

  
Magnus’s eyes turn gentle again. He looks like a angel. “I know. It’s alright.”

  
Alec dozes off after a while, mainly because he still feels so exhausted but also because he doesn’t like the way Magnus seems so in tune with him. He feels vulnerable. Magnus takes look at his wrist, which is bandaged, and hums. Alec kind of wishes he could move his arms so that he could at least touch Magnus, as weird as it sounds, or hold his hand. He feels so lonely he could die.

  
“I’m going to call your parents,” Magnus says after the silence gets too heavy. “and your sister.”

  
Alec ignores him. “How long it’s been?”

  
“Four months, I think. I bet time went by pretty fast for you.”

  
“It felt like seconds sometimes.”

  
Magnus rests his hand against Alec’s chest. His fingernails are painted a pretty shade of blue. Alec’s heart feels warm, suddenly. Nice.

  
“You’re stronger than you think, Alexander.” Magnus says. “And prettier, too.”

  
He’s gone after that.

  
*

  
Among all the things he’s learned about himself while he was ‘away’, the most infuriating one was that he’s a coward. Shadowhunters have always taken pride in their strength, their courage. Yet here’s Alec, running away from his problems again and again. So it’s only out of pure habit that he tries to avoid seeing his family after all this mess.  
When Magnus lets Izzy and his parents come inside he pretends to be asleep. Thankfully, Magnus doesn’t say anything about it. He just squeezes Alec’s hand and leaves them to it.

  
“He said Alec was awake,” Maryse says, in her annoyed tone. “We came here to watch him nap?”

  
“We should just spend time with him, Maryse,” Robert says. “He’ll wake up eventually. Don’t you want to be here when he does?”

  
Izzy is sitting next to his bed, holding his hand. She leans over him while their parents talk, arguing like they always do, and she whispers into his ear.

 

“I’m glad you’re alive.”

 

Alec wants to agree, but he can’t. 

 

Not when Jace is nowhere to be found and his heart feels too tired, even after all the sleep he’s gotten.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

“I don’t understand,” Alec says. His voice has been getting better since he woke up, but it still doesn’t sound like his own. It’s a faint whisper easily carried away by the noise in the room.

  
Izzy smiles, kind of. “Well, you did miss the last four months, big brother.”

  
Alec stays quiet. It’s strange, not knowing what to say. Even though they weren’t the best of friends, he and Isabelle were always close. There was almost nothing she didn’t know about Alec, yet now she feels like a total stranger asking all the wrong questions and giving all the wrong answers.

  
“They’re hunting Valentine down, that’s why he hasn’t come to see you,” she says. “A lot has changed.”

  
“They?”

  
“Jace, Simon, and Clary.”

  
Alec takes a deep breath. He wishes he could go back to sleep and never wake up. He hated his life before and he hates it even more now. He hates how everyone is treating him, like he’s some sort of pitiful creature that needs to be coddled. Alec never wanted this. The stares, the silent conversation his parents have over his head. How they won’t let Max see him until he’s fully recovered. None of that helps with the heavy feeling in his chest.

  
“Everything’s the same, except it’s not. We haven’t really been able to do anything about the Valentine thing, but the Clave has calmed down a bit. They were… worried about you, too. I think that’s why they’ve been so soft on all of us,” Izzy explains quietly. “They’ve also, you know, called off the whole marriage thing. Said it was unnecessary.”

That’s not why I did it, Alec wants to say, but doesn’t. Somehow, he senses she wouldn’t understand. No one would. Lydia was not the issue, not really. He’s had four months to think it all over, four months that seemed like centuries and seconds all at the same time.

  
Alec feels so ashamed, all of the sudden. He wonders if his sister thinks he’s a coward, if his parents think he’s a disgrace to the family. He pictures Max and feels angry and sad too. Sad is a word that tastes foul, like it’s not enough to describe what he’s feeling. He remembers all the times he wanted to make Max and Izzy proud, his parents. How Max always preferred Jace and his bravery to Alec’s rationality. How it always broke Alec’s heart.

  
Tears burn the back of his eyes. The feeling is not welcome but not unpleasant either. It’s been a long time since Alec’s let himself think about everything while being awake. It all makes him feel insanely lonely.

  
“What are you thinking about, huh?” Isabelle asks, frowning. “You’ve gone all quiet again.”

  
“Nothing. I’m just tired,” he mumbles.

  
“You’ve been sleeping for the past four months Alec. There’s no way you’re tired. But. Since we’re talking about that… do you remember?”

  
“Remember what?”

  
“What happened. Why you did this.”

  
Alec’s heart feels too tired to beat faster at the question. It stays oddly calm.

  
“You could have talked to me,” she goes on. “I love you, you’re my brother. I can’t believe you would just… throw it all away. It’s insane.”

  
“I felt like I was going insane myself,” he says quietly. “Felt like the only way out.”

  
Isabelle’s eyes burn with a passion Alec hasn’t seen in a while. “There’s always another way, Alec. Always.”

  
But is there really? Alec isn’t sure. He had thought, back then, that he was doing it to save his own ass from a marriage he didn’t want. Ignorance is bliss, because now he can’t forget what he knows.

  
He can’t just ignore the fact that he wasn’t running away from anyone but himself. Alec used to think he hated his parents, his life, the rules he had to follow. He used to think he hated Jace and Clary. In reality, the only person he’s ever hated is himself.

  
The waves of self-loathing that leap at him leave him feeling nauseous all over again. When he looks at himself he can’t see anything he likes. Alec’s never excelled in anything. He’s an average Shadowhunter, living in the shadow of his parabatai. The parabatai he’s in love with. Also, the parabatai who’ll never love him back. His whole life is a lie, yet Alec is the biggest liar in the game.

  
How can anyone look at him when Jace is standing next to him? Who could love such a coward? His own family has always loved Jace more than him, why would anyone choose the boring, average boy who’s always following the rules? There’s nothing special about him, never was.

  
So, is there a way out of his own mind, out of his own body? Alec wishes he could shrug off his own skin, walk away from himself, anything to be someone else. He hates himself so much it leaves him gasping. Is there any way out, but dying?

  
Magnus interrupts his thoughts, showing up by the door with a golden shirt. It’s enough to distract anyone, let alone Alec, who hasn’t seen anything sparkly for months.

  
“Alexander,” he greets him. It makes Alec smile, which makes Magnus himself smile. “You look lovely today. Mind if I take a look at your wrist?”

  
Alec feels his face heat up. “Um. Sure. I- I thought you said you’d be out of town for a while?”

  
Magnus flashes him a smile as he gently takes off his bandages, cold fingers against his hot skin. “Let’s say I couldn’t resist.”

  
Izzy laughs and stands up. “I have to go now, but I’ll be back later to check on you. Maybe they’ll let Max tag along.”

  
Once they’re alone, Magnus sighs and sits where Isabelle was sitting before. Alec’s eyes are trained on his shirt, the way it sparkles… Before he can stop himself, Alec reaches out for one of the sleeves, runs his fingers across the hem.

  
Magnus barks out a laugh. “Looks like someone likes golden things.”

  
“Just this one,” Alec whispers. “It… glows.”

  
“It’s enchanted,” Magnus says, clearly amused by Alec’s awe. “Your wrist is looking better, by the way.”

  
Alec hesitates. “Will it leave a mark?”

  
“Probably. But I’m sure you’ll be able to cover it up with another rune, biscuit.”

  
The thought of using a steele again makes his stomach turn. Magnus must notice, because he’s quick to change the subject.

  
“Your hair is getting too long, you should have it cut.”

  
Alec looks away. “I think that’s the least of my problems right now.”

  
“You know, about what you said to me the other day when you had first woken up. Did you truly meant it?”

  
“What?”

  
Magnus runs his hand through his hair. His eyes are blue this time. “You said you couldn’t really thank me for saving your life.”

  
“Oh.”

  
“Is that how you really feel about it, then? Are you upset because I-?”

  
Alec shakes his head weakly. “It’s not about you, or what you did. And I’m not upset with you, I just. I just wish things were different.”

  
“I’ve lived way longer than you have and I know potential when I see it, Alec. You’ve got a lot of it, if you just-“

  
“Potential?” Alec laughs dryly. “I don’t have any. I’m just… around. That’s what I do.”

  
“You risk your life for others time after time,” Magnus snaps at him. “You’re probably the most selfless person I’ve ever met.”

  
“Then you must not know a lot of people. I’m anything but selfless. As far as risking my life for others… I can’t say I care that much about staying alive in the first place, can I?”

  
Magnus is silent for a while after that. His blue eyes shine even brighter than Isabelle’s did when she was talking to him. They’re intimidating, in a way, yet comforting.

  
“One would think that after all the time you’ve had to think things over you’d come up with something better to say than I’m Alec and I’m good for nothing.”

Alec feels his throat tightening. “It’s the truth. I’m not like Jace.”

  
“Who says you need to be like him? He’s a fucking asshole, that’s what he is.”

  
“He’s. He’s brave.”

  
Magnus’s hand finds his. “You’re brave too, Alec. Just in a different way.”

  
“Not in the way that matters.”

  
“It matters to me,” Magnus tells him, squeezing his hand. “Do you feel drowsy?”

  
“Kind of. I feel like I’m… floating away, if that makes any sense.”

  
“It’s the spell. It takes some time to wear off completely, which is why you should rest. I can keep them from coming to see you, if you’d like.”

  
Alec blinks at him. “Really?”

  
“Yeah, until you’re officially recovered and ready to hunt shadows again.”

  
“But you’ll still come, won’t you? To visit me,” Alec says. For the first time, he doesn’t care if it sounds like he’s begging.

  
“Obviously,” Magnus replies, his hand in Alec’s. “Obviously.”

  
“Can you help me stand, please?”

  
“I don’t think you’re ready for that,” Magnus says.

  
“Please, just for a little bit. I miss… I miss standing.”

  
Magnus sighs and helps him sit on the bed. Alec smiles as he holds onto Magnus’s shoulders, fingers playing with the golden glitters. When his feet touch the cold ground he hisses, but Magnus is quick to put Alec’s feet on top of his shoes. Alec can’t really move his legs, no matter how hard he tries.

  
“Don’t worry, biscuit,” Magnus tells him when he notices Alec starting to freak out. “You haven’t used those in four months, it’s normal.”

  
Alec rests his cheek on Magnus shoulder, mainly because the warlock forces him to but also because he loves the way Magnus smells. It’s like magic is pouring out of his skin.

  
“Was it ugly?” Alec asks after a while.

  
Magnus helps Alec take a little step. “What do you mean?”

  
“When I…”

  
“Oh. Not at all. You looked like… like a sleeping angel, if you ask me.”

  
Alec bites his tongue, he doesn’t want to piss Magnus off right now. Or ever. His knees start to give in, so Magnus holds him up as well as he can without using magic.  
“C’mon, enough fun for today. Back to bed, Alexander.”

  
Alec lies back down and stares at the ceiling for a while. He wonders how much they’re paying Magnus to get him back to health, if they’re paying him at all. He wonders who called him. Alec wants to be angry at him for saving his life, but he can’t.

  
Not when Magnus is looking at him with those eyes, now the golden they always are. Not when he’s the only person who doesn’t try to pry things from him, the only one who seems to understand that he had wanted to die. Still does.

  
“Are you sure you can keep them from coming?” Alec asks, finally. “I don’t mind seeing Isabelle, but.”

  
Magnus hums. “They can be a little intimidating, your parents. About that, I was thinking. I know things as a Shadowhunter can get hard, especially when they’re related to honor and bravery and all that bullshit. So. You’re always welcome at my place, if you need space from all the things here.”

  
“I don’t understand why you’re so nice to me. I’m just this stupid kid who tried to-“

  
“You’re different,” Magnus tells him, stepping away and towards the door. “I like different.”

  
*

Alec is startled awake by the screams. At first he thought he was dreaming, but now that his eyes are open and he can still hear the yelling he’s not sure it’s all in his head anymore.

  
“You can’t just shut me out, Magnus,” someone shouts.

  
“I can if it’s what’s best for him. You’re going to wake him up.”

  
Jace’s voice goes lower. “I just want to see him. Just once.”

  
“When he’s fully recovered, Jonathan. Not a second earlier.”

  
Alec closes his eyes and goes back to sleep, hoping it takes him all eternity to recover from this.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

Recovery, as it turns out, takes three more weeks. Alec doesn’t mind, not one bit. He gets to spend those three weeks either alone or with Magnus, doing absolutely nothing. It should get boring after a while, but it doesn’t. He wakes up late and stays in bed until Magnus comes to visit, which is usually around noon. He helps Alec walk around a bit and then checks on his wrist. From what Alec can see it’s not going to be a pretty scar to have.

  
Some days Alec would be awaken by Jace’s angry shouts, others by Maryse stern voice giving Magnus orders about visiting hours. Despite everything, Magnus doesn’t budge and for that Alec is eternally grateful.

  
Yet nothing lasts forever. It’s too soon for Alec’s liking, but he knows deep down that he needs to face people and things again. It was fun while it lasted. The part he dreads the most is talking to his parents, seeing Jace again, taking responsibility for his actions. It all makes his stomach turn unpleasantly.

  
Magnus is really careful about his safety, too. He makes sure everything is in place, which is probably the reason why Alec hasn’t seen his stele in a while. Alec knows they’re hiding it from him, along with all the sharp objects in the Institute (ironically, everything) because they’re afraid he’s going to try to kill himself again.

  
It’s strange to think about it like that, but there’re no other way to think about it. That’s what he tried to do. Alec only lets himself think about it when Magnus leaves for the night and he’s left alone to dwell on his cold bed. He likes to fantasize about where he’d be if he hadn’t made it. Heaven? Hell? Would he be floating around, just not-being? Who would show up at his funeral, who would cry. Alec used to think about his death as a child too. All Shadowhunters are taken back to Idris and then buried in the City of Bones. But would they let a coward be buried next to the bravest warriors their kind has seen? Probably not.

  
Magnus is not subtle about his concern, either. He’s constantly dropping hints and trick questions to get Alec to confess. Would he do it again? The answer is foreign even to Alec himself. He’s been trying not to think about it too much, but there are too many hours in a day and he spends too many of them alone. Alec tells himself he wouldn’t try to do something like that again, that he’s learnt his lesson.

  
Izzy’s words ring in his ears until he can’t hear anything else. There’s always another way. His heart aches when he thinks about Max attending his older brother’s funeral, yet the only image his brain can come up with is one of Jace holding an unbothered Max in his arms. Which brings him back to Jace. Which brings him back to Problem number one. There is no way out of the parabatai bond and even if there were Alec is not sure he’d want out. On the late nights he can hear Jace’s heart in his own ears if he concentrates enough, can hear it beating harder and harder until it seems he’s going to have a heart attack. Alec thinks he may be fucking Clary. He doesn’t want to know.

  
When the day comes to finally get out of the room he has been stuck in for months, Alec tries hard not to panic. Magnus senses this, how can he not, and offers a solution.

  
“I can help you stay calm, if you want,” he says out of the blue as he helps Alec move towards the door. “It’ll only last for a few hours but I think it’ll be enough.”

  
“Yeah, I think I’m gonna need all the help I can get,” Alec tries to joke. It falls flat, but Magnus smiles anyways.

  
Magnus puts his hand on Alec’s shoulder, whispers something in what sounds like another language, and it’s done. Alec can feel it instantly, like time has slowed down. It’s like being drunk, in a way. He holds onto Magnus so he doesn’t fall. The warlock doesn’t seem to mind too much as he escorts him out of the room and into the hallway.  
Some Shadowhunters stare at him as they make their way into Alec’s old bedroom, but Alec can’t seem to mind. He can only focus on Magnus arm on his waist, the way he smells, the way he moves. There’s no one else on Earth. Magnus’s magic is to blame. Probably. Maybe.

  
His parents are already waiting for him in his room. Alec doesn’t even have to try to stay calm, he just is. He’s not sure how this magic works, because he knows he’s in deep shit and he knows his parents are going to talk him down but he can’t bring himself to care. Not even a little bit. Magnus helps him sit on the bed in front of Maryse and Robert. It reminds Alec of all the times he’d been little and Jace blamed him for breaking a vase, how he’d get scolded and put away.

  
“Can Magnus stay?” he asks, once he feels his mother’s eyes turning colder by the second.

  
“No, this doesn’t concern him.”

  
Alec frowns. “Of course it does. He was the one who saved my life.”

  
“Which is why we need to talk about why your life needed saving in the first place,” Robert cuts in. Alec hasn’t heard that tone since he was eight and Isabelle sneaked out to make mundane friends. “Now leave, Magnus Bane. Your services are no longer required.”

  
Magnus smiles at Alec and does a tiny bow to Robert and Maryse. After that, he’s gone yet the calming spell sticks around. Alec couldn’t care less about what they’re going to say, so he rests his head against the wall and puts his feet up on the bed.

  
“Alexander. What you did was no only irresponsible and completely reckless, it also goes against everything we have taught you. No Shadowhunter should die like that, not unless it’s out of pure sacrifice-“

  
“So you’re saying,” Alec speaks up. “that if I had done it to, let’s say, save Izzy or Max… then it would have been okay?”

  
Robert sees where he’s going with that, says, “what your mother is trying to tell you is that you can’t run away from your problems every time you feel like it. What is going to happen next time you have to do something you don’t like? Is that the example you want to give your sister, your brother?”

  
Magnus’s spell keeps the worry at bay, but it doesn’t keep the hurt out too. Alec knew this was what was going to happen, he had just hoped (a tiny hope that grew at night when he was alone and stupidly scared) that his parents would actually be worried about him, that their first words to him would be about how much they’ve missed him, how much they love him. Alec wishes he could make everyone a favor and just disappear.

  
“Okay, I understand,” Alec says, biting the inside of his mouth so hard he can taste blood. “Can you leave alone to rest? I’m feeling a bit drowsy.”  
Maryse and Robert share a look.

  
“There will be someone by the door at all times, in case you get creative again Alexander,” Maryse warns.

  
Alec turns to face the wall so he doesn’t have to watch them leave. He curls up in a little ball. For a second he feels like crying, except he can’t. It’s probably because of Magnus, so he just closes his eyes and pretends he doesn’t feel like someone just stuck a knife in his chest.  
Eventually he starts to feel the magic leaving him. Alec breathes in and out, noticing how shaky his hands are, but when he’s about to get up to get some water Jace swings by the door. Maryse must have told him Alec was already out.

  
“Alec,” he breathes.

  
Alec refuses to look at him. His heart is slamming against his ribcage, his hands are shaky and sweaty. He fixes his gaze on the wall and doesn’t move an inch. He feels Jace come closer, can smell the drying blood and sweat on him, the way they’d always smell after coming back from a long mission. Alec is not ready for this.

“I’m begging you now, Alec. You’re my brother. You can’t just shut me out whenever you feel like it. If you had died-“

  
“But I didn’t, so. You’re free to go now, I’m fine.”

Alec is not going to look at him, he won’t. He closes his eyes and puts his hands over them, not caring if he looks like a child while doing so. It’s too tiring, loving someone who’ll never love him back. It’d be easier if Jace hated him. They’re stuck together for life.

“You’re my parabatai. I know when you’re not fine and right now you aren’t,” Jace tells him softly. 

“Go away, Jace. I’m not in the mood for this.”

Jace snorts, his boots making a loud noise when they hit the wooden floor. Like he’s throwing a tantrum.

“And you think I was in the mood to come back here and see you laying in the fucking bathtub, dying?” Jace asks. There’s a new shade to his voice, an angry layer. “How could you that do me, Alec?”

“Do what to you?” Alec asks, finally looking at him. He’s shaking and furious. “I didn’t do anything to you.”

Jace’s eyes are hot and cold at the same time, he says, “we all know what this is about.”

“Please, enlighten me then, Jace Wayland.”

“It’s about me. About the fact that you’re in-“

Alec stands up from the bed and goes for the door, but Jace is quicker and blocks his way. They’re face to face now, their noses almost touching. Jace’s breath smells minty and a lot like the tea Hodge likes to make them in the winter. Alec wants to cry.

“You’re such a kid, Alec. You’ve always been. That’s why this has happened, because you always take the easy way out. Ever since Clary showed up you’ve been nothing but a complete asshole to both her and me. It’s not our fault you-“

“I hate you,” Alec screams. It feels like someone has cut the stitches that were holding his lips together. Everything comes pouring out. “I hate you so fucking much. All I’ve ever done is follow the rules, every single time. No one here cares about me, you just care about the role I play in your life.”

Jace grabs him by the wrist, the way they were taught to do in combat to slow down an enemy. “You know that’s not true. You’re my parabatai-“

“And what good has it brought me? Time after time you’ve asked me to put my life in danger for a girl you’ve just met. I’ve always done what you’ve asked me to do, but I’m done Jace.”

Alec doesn’t miss the hurt that flashes through Jace’s eyes as he pushes him and walks out the door, but it doesn’t stop him. There is no one by the door, like Maryse said there would be, so he keeps going. His legs are still working a bit funny, so he walks as fast as he can to get away. Jace doesn’t seem to be following, which isn’t that much of a surprise. If it was about Clary, then he would have come running. 

He’s fast as he grabs a backpack from one of the many racks and stuffs it with things. He gets his bow, ten arrows, but he can’t find his stele. Alec snatches a pair of pants and a shirt that were laying on a chair and stuff them in his backpack. He knows he has to be quick, because if anyone sees him he’s fucked. They’ll lock him up again.

“Alec,” Jace calls from upstairs. “where the hell are you going?”

Where is he going? He hadn’t really thought about it until now. There’s not a lot of people who would take him in, or any Shadowhunter for that matter. Except the warlock that saved his life last time. Alec tries to remember Magnus’s address to no avail. Any place is better than this one.

Jace is going to come down any minute and talk Alec out of leaving, like he always does. He’ll say his sorry, he’ll tell Alec how much he means to him, but nothing will change. Nothing ever changes. So Alec clutches his things to his chest and sneaks outside using the only secret passage Jace showed him as a kid. 

He’ll find Magnus’s place. It’s just a matter of time.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

“Would you like some more tea, Alec?” Magnus asks him, sitting down on the couch barely inches away from where he’s curled up in a ball, the blanket Magnus gave him draped over his shoulders like a cape.

Alec shakes his head no, cradling the mug in both hands while he blows away the steam. He’s still cold. It’d be weird if he wasn’t, considering he had spent the last hours alone in the street, looking for Magnus’s place. He had forgotten to grab a jacket when he left the Institute earlier and the thin t-shirt he was wearing was not enough to keep the cold from biting at him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Magnus asks, softer than before. His nails are painted, Alec can notice from where he’s sitting. They look lovely on him.

“I, um. I had a fight with Jace,” he says. “Doesn’t matter.”

“It kind of does. You were supposed to rest, not run away and almost freeze to death.”

“You’re overreacting, Magnus.”

“You’re still shaking and it’s been two hours since you got here. I’m so not overreacting, Alexander.”

Alec shrugs and sips his tea. He’s not exactly sure of what he’s doing here, why he chose to come here out of all places. All he knows is that he likes Magnus a lot and that he’s been too kind. Alec doesn’t really deserve to be treated like this, not when his own family thinks he’s a coward.

Magnus sighs, says, “You two are a strange pair.”

“We’re not a pair. Of anything. We. Um. I-“

“Hey, stop worrying. You’re babbling again, it’s not cute.”

Alec’s face is on fire. “It’s hard, because he’s my parabatai. But we’re not…”

“I’ve met plenty of Shadowhunters and I’ve never seen anyone treat their parabatai the way Jace treats you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You do realize that you are your own person, right? That you don’t have to do everything Jace asks you to do.”

“He’s a great parabatai,” Alec protests. “I’m just. It’s my fault that we got into a fight.”

“Dear God, Alec are you even listening to yourself?”

Alec puts the mug away. “You don’t know him like I do. He’s always been so good at everything and I. I’m not.”

Magnus just looks at him for a while. Then, he reaches out to touch Alec’s cheek. His hand makes its way down to the base of his neck, touching one of Alec’s many scars from fighting. He keeps it there, where Alec’s pulse is jumping.

“What was the fight really about?”

“I was angry at him.”

“Because of Clarissa?”

Alec just stares at him in disbelief. He’d thought he had been doing a good job at keeping his emotions at bay, away from where everyone could see them. Somehow Magnus always knows.

“Yeah, I suppose. Things have only gone downhill since she arrived.”

Magnus hums. “Maybe things have always been like this and you’ve just only realized it.”

Alec turns his face away from Magnus, forcing the warlock to retrieve his hand from where it was resting on Alec’s neck. He instantly feels cold without Magnus’s touch.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t think Jace has changed that much since he met Clary. He’s always asked a lot from you, hasn’t he? That’s not something new.”

“Before things were different,” Alec insists. “He wasn’t-“

“He wasn’t in love with someone else.”

Alec gets up from the couch. He throws the blanket away. Magnus stands up too, his hands up as if in a piece offer.

“I don’t care who he’s in love with. You’re wrong.”

“Okay,” Magnus says simply, “you’re right.”

Somehow, that makes Alec even angrier. He doesn’t want to be told he’s right just because, he wants Magnus to understand. Even though he’s not sure he understands it too well himself.

“Why would I?” His words are dripping venom all over the place. “I know it’s not me.”

Magnus’s face softens. “Hey, why don’t you sit down and finish your tea? Or maybe just go to bed. I’ve got a crazy guestroom.”

Alec licks his lips, says, “I want-“

“Yes?”

“I want you break my parabatai bond with Jace.”

At first, Magnus looks as if he’s going to laugh. He doesn’t. He just stares at Alec through his thick and purple eyelashes, a sad look. Alec shows him his hand, the place at the centre of his hand where he can feel Jace hearbeat, the spot that buzzes when they use it to locate people.

“Please,” Alex swallows. He doesn’t want his voice to crack. “I don’t want to live like this anymore. It’ll never stop.”

Magnus is silent for a while. “What do I get out of this?”

“Anything you want. I’ll do whatever you need me to do, just. Please.”

Magnus takes Alec hand in his, tracing the lines there with his cold fingers. It makes Alc shiver, but in a good way.

“Okay. We’ll talk more tomorrow. But I have one condition.”

Alec’s heart feels like it’s about to burst. “Yes. Okay. Whatever you want.”

“I want you to live with me for a while. Or else the bond breaking thing won’t work. Also,” he adds after a pause, “I need an assistant. Or a sexy secretary.”

Leaving the Institute? His family? Jonathan?

He thinks of all the slaughtered nights he spend hunched in the dark, in allies, smelling blood and getting hurt, how exhausted he always felt. How Jace always got the praise. How Izzy had fun doing it. How much Alec had to work to keep up with them.

He thinks of Clary’s smug face when she stated that she knew Alec was in love with Jace. How he felt like he had been bit by a demon and his blood had been replaced with acid.

Alec nods. Losing all those things doesn’t seem like a big loss.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

Magnus has this way of doing things that leaves Alec struggling to breathe. He’s standing next to Alec one second and he’s gone the next without even making a sound. He’ll cook weird things and not tell Alec what they are until he’s already finished eating. He watches dumb mundane shows like Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model while painting his nails. Magnus _listens_.

Alec feels stupid sometimes, like he’s forgotten how to be his own person without other people around to define him. He feels scarily free.  His bond with Jace is still untouched, mainly because Magnus insisted that physical separation comes first in the process. Process. The word tastes funny in Alec’s mouth. He doesn’t want it to be slow, gradual. Alec just wants to rip it off, cut it away, burn it up.

He used to fall asleep with his hand tucked under his cheek, always hearing Jace’s heartbeat like a lullaby. Now he lets his arm hang loose from the bed, away from his ears, his face. He doesn’t want to think about him anymore, about them. It’s only been four days, yet no news have come through. They aren’t even looking for him.

It makes sense. Why would his parents be looking for their coward son? Why would Izzy or Jace? Alec wants to tell himself Max is too young to be leading a search party for his older brother, but it’s not the truth. Max has Jace’s wooden soldier. Max already has another older brother. He doesn’t need two. The thought should make him feel bad but he’s had years to get used to it.

Magnus comes into the guestroom on the morning of the fifth day. He’s a walking Sun, the way he seems to irradiate warmth and happiness. It’s a nice change.

“Wake up, sleepyhead,” he calls from the door. “I made you breakfast.”

Alec smiles into the pillow. “What is it this time?”

“Waffles with frog’s legs. If you don’t hurry up they’ll get cold and jump away.”

As it turns out, Magnus was lying. Breakfast is safe this morning. No frogs or legs anywhere. He pours Alec a cup of coffee and sits down in front of him, like he always does. This time he places a wooden box on the table and pushes it towards Alec.

“What’s this?”

Magnus gives him a soft smile. “Open it and see for yourself Alexander.”

It’s a new stele. Alec takes it and examines the cravings on the side. _Transit umbra, lux permanet._ He doesn’t need to ask what it means, he learnt Latin when he was young. When Jace first came into their home to live with them he had been only ten, yet he already knew most there is to know about Latin conjugations. Alec had always felt coy around him in class. Stupid, even.

“Shadow passes, light remains, right?” Alec sheepishly asks, suddenly afraid of being wrong.

Magnus’s face lights up. “Yeah! There are not a lot of Shadowhunters who can speak more than one language. Your kind tends to be… A little depreciating of other cultures, I believe.”

Jace knows, he wants to say but doesn’t. Instead, he runs his fingers over the edges of the stele.

“Why did you get me this?” Alec asks. “They wouldn’t let me have mine back after…”

“Because I trust you not to use it for that again,” Magnus says. His voice is calm and strong all at the same time. “And because it’s your right to have one.”

Alec swallows back the lump in his throat. “Thank you but. I don’t want to lie and say that I still don’t think about-“

“I never said that you didn’t still think about doing it. I said I trust you not to, in the end. Thoughts like that, Alec, the never quite go away.”

There are other ways, Izzy had said. Alec likes this one a lot.

“Do you like it then?”

“Yeah. It’s beautiful. The one I had before… um, it was kind of rusty.”

Magnus nods. “I know, I saw it.”

“How long do you think until…?”

Magnus sips his own coffee and blinks at Alec. “Until what?”

“Until you can break the bond for good?”

“It depends. After a while of not seeing Jace you’ll lose some of the connection you have, gradually. It’ll be as if he’s a ghost to you. But it’s only after he’s become a shadow to you that the bond can be broken. And I’ll let you know that it’ll be my first time doing it, so I can’t guarantee that-“

“That it’ll work?” Alec cuts in. His heart feels clenched.

“That it won’t hurt.”

“Well,” Alec laughs bitterly. “It can’t hurt worse than now, can it?”

“I think maybe you should call your parents to let them know you’re okay. I don’t want them to think I’ve kidnapped you.”

Alec doesn’t reply. He had fallen asleep thinking about his parents only to wake up with his stomach turned upside down. He doesn’t want to think about them, or anyone for that matter.           

“I like your hair like that,” Ale chooses to say instead, pointing at how Magnus’s black fringe is getting into his eyes.

“I like your everything,” Magnus replies, unabashedly.

Alec blushes. Hard. He’s not used to getting complimented. He’s not insecure, it’s just hard to grow up next to someone who steals all the light. Everyone in the room was always so busy looking at Jace that they never even realized Alec was there, too. Let alone find him attractive. Besides, Alec only ever cared about what Jace found attractive. And it was never Alec.

“I don’t.” Alec blurts out.

Magnus’s knee bumps against Alec’s under the table. “I know that, too.”

“You don’t think I’m selfish? Sometimes I feel like…”

“Like?”

Alec takes a deep breath. “Like I should have died and saved everyone the trouble.”

“When your parents called me I thought you were dead, at first. And for a while I did believe you had done it to escape marriage. But I know you now Alec. I think there are things you need to forgive yourself for. Being hurt is not the same as being selfish.”

Alec doesn’t like this. He pushes himself away from the table and stands up.

“I’m not hurt.”

“Okay,” is all Magnus says.

Anger burns him up. “Don’t just sit there and say that. It’s not okay. Don’t be like them.”

“Like who?”

Alec lets out frustrated noise and kicks the table’s leg. “Like everyone else I know. You listen to me. Don’t tell me I’m right just because.”

“Do you want me to tell you what I really think, Alexander?”

Magnus has stood up too. He walks slowly towards Alec, silently, like he always does. It reminds Alec of a cat, the way his hips swing. He stops barely and inch away from Alec and looks him right in the eyes.

“I think you’re hurt. I think you’ve been hurting yourself for a long time, Alec. But that’s not your fault. I think that if you had died that day, then nothing would be the same. Especially not me. I think,” Magnus breathes out, “that you need someone to show you how good life can be.”

Alec opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. Then, Magnus is kissing him, warm hands on his hips and the smell of magic all around him. Magnus is kissing him.

Alec kisses him back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

“You don’t call me Alexander anymore,” Alec finds himself mumbling, only half-awake, three days after.

They’re getting ready for a nap. It’s the first time they sleep in the same bed and the thought makes Alec’s hands shake. Magnus has kissed him. After that, Alec had been shy- ready to hear that the whole thing had been a mistake. Instead, Magnus kissed him again. They hadn’t talked about it or attempted to define what was going on, but for the first time in a long time Alec feels good. He feels the way he used to when he was a child. They was he’s supposed to feel.

Magnus shakes off his glamour. Alec likes him better without it. It makes him look more real. Raw. He crawls into bed and draws the blinds with a flick of his wrist so that only some sunlight can creep into the room.

“Well, Alexander, I thought you preferred to be called Alec,” Magnus replies. laying down next to him. Alec likes the scent his magic leaves all around them.

“I’ve never liked my name,” Alec confesses all rushed like he always does when he doesn’t want to stutter. “But I don’t mind it when you say it.”

Magnus smiles. He hasn’t moved an inch, as if to let Alec make the first move. It’s always the same. Magnus is so good at waiting and it’s amazing how Alec can forget he’s had centuries to practice. Alec reaches out for him with his hand, which Magnus takes in his. There’s a buzz under his skin where Magnus is touching him, like all the cells in his body have migrated to that spot where Magnus’s skin is brushing against his.

Alec shifts in the bed, closer to Magnus’s side. “Have you talked to my parents?”

“Yes. I sent a message to Maryse. She must have read it by now.”

“Has she replied?”

Magnus sighed. “Well, no. But I think it’s because she hates me.”

Something like anger stirs in Alec’s stomach. He feels stupidly protective. “She’s stupid, then. What right does she have to hate you? You’ve helped me more than any of them have.”

“You’ve become quite fierce, Alexander. I like it.”

Alec tries to hide his blush by burying his face in the pillow, but the way Magnus’s thumb is massaging the inside of his palm makes him grow redder. He’s never had this. It feels bittersweet, in a way. All the time he wasted chasing after someone who would never love him. All the things he’s missed because of it. He glances at Magnus, tries to take in what this means, yet he finds no words. There aren’t any.

“You went from hot to adorable in a second,” Magnus laughs. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Magnus moves his hand to cradle Alec’s flaming cheek. His thumb leaves goosebumps where it traces over his skin. Alec bites at his tongue to keep from saying anything stupid. Magnus leans closer then, yet stops an inch away from Alec’s face. At first Alec doesn’t understand what he’s doing but it becomes clear in the way Magnus stays put, waiting. He doesn’t want to push Alec. He wants Alec to choose.

Alec gives him a chaste kiss, just a peck. Magnus’s hand never leaves his cheek. Alec kisses him again and again until he feels Magnus smile against his lips. It’s weird when Magnus starts kissing him back because Alec’s never been kissed like this.

He’s only ever kissed two people in his life and they were both girls. They had not been patient or sweet like Magnus is. They had made out with him in a damp corner of a dirty bar somewhere, their mouths too wet and sticky with lipgloss, clumsy when their teeth got in the way. One of them had pushed herself against him, like she wanted Alec to fuck her right against the wall. He hadn’t felt anything that he’s feeling now.

Alec’s overly aware of the way his heart is beating. He can hear his blood rushing in his own ears. Magnus breathes into him, like he’s pouring magic down his throat. It makes Alec hunger for something he can’t name. He feels his temperature rising, like he’s got a fever. When Magnus finally pulls away, he feels dizzy.

“You’re pretty when you’re blushing,” Magnus murmurs, nuzzling against Alec’s neck.

“Don’t say that. I’m not.”

Magnus looks up at him. There’s a small fire in his eyes, like a frenzy. “Stop doing that. You’re allowed to be called nice things. True things,” he adds.

Alec looks away.

“Alexander,” Magnus says. “You’re gorgeous. You deserve to be looked at the longest in a room full of people. It upsets me that no one has taken the time to tell you that.”

Alec curls up smaller. “I mean. No one’s ever looked at me enough to... I mean, I wouldn’t look at me either, not when I’m standing next to-“

“Don’t go there,” Magnus warns. His voice is hard and sharp as a blade. He sounds strangely stern. “You were standing right next to Jace the first time I saw you- and I still thought you were the most beautiful person in that room. I noticed you first. You could stand next to a God and I would still notice you first, Alec.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Alec says, praying that Magnus will drop it.

He does, planting a sweet kiss on his cheek and pulling Alec closer to him. He rests his chin on the top of Alec’s head and hums. Alec tries to fight off sleep, wants to enjoy this the most he can, but he’s too tired. He falls asleep with his face buried in Magnus’s maroon sweatshirt, which smells like his skin and his magic, all in one.

The reason why he wakes up is because he can hear Magnus humming a song against his hair. Alec yawns but stays right where he is. He doesn’t want to ever leave this bed. Magnus’s skin is silky even without glamour. Alec takes him in, all tousled hair and long fingers intertwined with his.

“Biscuit,” Magnus breathes against his cheek. “Are you awake?”

“If I say yes do we have to get up?”

Magnus laughs. His fingernails are silver today, shiny. Alec brings his fingers closer to his face so he can examine them better. It looks as if Magnus has melted pure steel and used it as nail polish.

“Do you like them?”

“Yes,” Alec says in a rush. “You look- they look… I mean. Yes.”

“Have you ever painted yours?”

Alec’s whole body shakes with laughter. “Dear God, no. Can you imagine my mother’s face? She’d probably disown me.”

“Well Alexander, I have some great news for you then.”

“What?”

“She’s not here, is she?”

Magnus takes both of his hands and kisses each of his fingers. Alec feels the magic working on him instantly. It’s a warm feeling. Each of his nails glow and then turn golden. Alec’s never seen anything like that.

He doesn’t know what to say, settles for, “Why golden?”

“Did you know pharaohs used to paint their nails in Ancient Egypt?” Magnus asks instead. “They were considered Gods. Gold has always been associated with royalty. Princes have always worn gold rings.”

“You’re saying I’m a prince?” Alec scoffs. “I’m sorry to disappoint you but my blood is not that great.”

“Alexander. You have angel blood running through your veins, I think that’s enough royalty for anyone.”

Alec feels suddenly ashamed. Magnus can’t say the same thing about his blood.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Magnus says. “I’m not ashamed of the blood that runs through mine. I’ve lived a long time and I always thought Shadowhunters were just arrogant idiots who took their blood too seriously. And yet here you are. You have no idea exactly how much you have in common with angels, Alec.”

“Angels aren’t real. No one’s ever seen one. And I’m nothing like that.”

 Magnus tightens his grip on Alec’s hips. “You’re the closest to an angel I’ll ever be. Or Heaven, for that matter.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Alec mumbles. “Blood doesn’t mean anything. You have demon blood in you and you’re still better than most Shadowhunters I know. You’re better than me.”

“At what?” Magnus says bitterly. “Killing?”

“At life. With people.”

“I’ve had enough time to practice, don’t you think?”

Alec kisses his neck. “Is it lonely? To live forever, I mean.”

Magnus looks at him for a while. “Yes. Yes, it is.”

Alec doesn’t say anything else. Instead, he makes himself small enough to fit in Magnus’s arms –not that he has to try to hard- and lets Magnus rub his back. He could fall asleep again like this. He could wake up every morning to this.

Magnus’s cold fingers wrap around his wrist. He twists Alec’s arm to get a better look. The rune he drew so many months ago hasn’t healed completely yet. It’s hard to miss. A black and blue bruise that also looks like a scar. Alec doesn’t like looking at it. It’s just another thing to add to the list of things he doesn’t like about himself.  Magnus, on the other hand, seems to be fascinated by it. This is not the first time Alec has caught him looking at it.

“Ugly,” Alec murmurs against Magnus’s shoulder. “Don’t look at it.”

Magnus plants a kiss to the inside of his wrist, on top of the scar. Alec completely freezes.

“I’m glad you’re alive, Alexander. I just wish you were, too.”

 _I’m not_ , Alec wants to say. Maybe if he says it out loud it’ll stop feeling like a lie.


	9. Chapter nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

All good things come to an end. Alec should have seen this coming, yet it was easier to close his eyes and pretend that the rest of the world didn’t exist outside of Magnus’s loft. He’s loved every second of it and he doesn’t intend to give this up without a fight. However, Alec has never liked fighting too much, which is why he always ended up choosing the bow in combat, and he doesn’t know how to stand up for himself when it comes to Jace, or his parents. Or anyone, for that matter.

He’s eating breakfast next to Magnus when someone knocks on the door. Alec doesn’t clue in until he catches the way Magnus is looking at him, all pursed lips and white knuckles. Alec, on the other hand, feels strangely calm. Too calm. It’s not until Magnus gets up to open the door that Alec realizes he’s calming him down with magic, just like he did back when he had to face his parents at the Institute.

“What a lovely surprise,” Magnus says. To anyone else it’d seem normal, but Alec knows better. He knows Magnus’s jaw is set and that he’s annoyed. “Isabelle, Jonathan, Clarissa. And the mundane.”

“I’m not a mundane anymore,” Alec hears Simon complain. “I’ve stepped up my game, you know.”

“I don’t think drinking blood and being afraid of the sun count as upgrading,” Jace says.

If it weren’t for Magnus’s magic working on him, Alec would have already freaked out. His hand is throbbing, right where his parabatai rune is still untouched. His heart feels oddly calm when Jace walks into the kitchen. From where he’s sitting Alec can see he’s holding Clary’s hand.

Isabelle makes her way towards him as if nothing has happened between them. She puts her arms around Alec and squeezes him. She hugs just like their mom does. Alec’s not sure that can be considered a compliment. Everyone else in the room stays away from Alec, except for Magnus, who seems to gravitate closer to him as time passes.

“You look so good,” Izzy whispers into his ear before she pulls away.

Alec smiles numbly at her. “Yeah. I feel… good.”

Jace’s head snaps, he points at Magnus, says, “Stop doing that, Bane.”

“Doing what?” Simon asks. It makes Alec want to laugh. He’s always been so clueless. “He’s just standing there, Jace.”

“He’s using his magic on Alec,” Jace says. “I can feel it.”

The bond, Alec thinks suddenly. He feels Magnus’s magic slipping away from him, like he’s shrugging it off and letting it fall to the floor. He feels kind of naked, standing there with everyone looking at him and no magic to cover himself up. His heart starts to beat too fast.

“I want you to go,” he finds himself saying in a quiet voice. “I’ll come back to the Institute in a while, when I’m ready.”

“When you’re ready for what, Alec?” Izzy huffs. “That’s your home. You didn’t even say goodbye. Max has been asking for you.”

“Let him ask, then.”

“Alec,” Jace cuts in. A warning tone taints his words.

“Jace,” Alec replies.

“We came here to make sure you were okay,” Clary says. Her hair’s grown since the last time Alec saw her and she looks older. More mature. “The message Magnus sent was a bit worrying.”

Alec blinks and shifts to look at Magnus, only to find that the warlock was already looking in his direction.

“It said separation is required to complete the recovery process. Separation from what?” Jace asks. “From who?”

“From you.”

“Alec. You’re our brother-“

“I’ll go back when I’m ready,” Alec repeats. His chest hurts at the thought. “Now’s not the time.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Clary raises her hand and touches Jace’s arm gently. “He doesn’t want to come back with us. It’s his choice.”

“I want you back,” Jace says, staring into Alec’s eyes. “Please, you’re my parabatai. You’re my best friend. My brother.”

Alec stares at him. There’s desperation in his voice, a feeling Alec’s never seen in Jace. Perhaps, he too can feel the separation between them growing stronger with each passing day, their bond becoming fainter, weaker, ghost-like. There was a time when Alec would have cried of joy at the thought of Jace missing him, but not anymore. Hopefully, never again.

I loved you, Alec wants to tell him, but doesn’t. Love isn’t the right word, but somehow he can’t seem to find another one. He’s never been in love with Jace, per se. He was in love with the idea he had of Jace, a pretty, cocky boy who wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone. Alec wanted to be like him, but he’s not sure he’s ever wanted to be _with_ him. Besides, standing next to Jace brought on mixed feelings. On one hand he made Alec feel safe, protected. On the other hand, it did nothing but destroy his self-confidence, as he grew up in a shadow he could never get away from or compete with its owner.

“Clary’s right” Alec says. He sees Magus biting his lip. “You should leave.”

Jace’s stubbornness can only be compared to his beauty. “I’m not leaving without you. Maryse wouldn’t let me return, even if I wanted to.”

“I’m sure she’ll come around,” Alec replies. He wishes Magnus was closer, so he could at least get some sort of comfort. “I’ll be back when the bond-“

Alec knows he’s made a mistake as soon as Jace’s eyes grow wide and his whole face turns into a frown. Magnus comes to his side as quick as he can, placing a hand-and skillfully avoiding everyone’s eyes- on Alec’s lower back. No one says anything.

“The bond? What bond?” Jace demands. “When what bond does what?”

Jace’s anger had scared Alec as a kid. It was not heated or loud, but rather cold and contemplative. When Jace was mad he didn’t need to yell, he just had to look at Alec with empty eyes and that was enough to have shivers running up and down his spine. His silence was sharper than any word. However, Jace is angry right now. And he’s not keeping quiet about it.

Magnus tries to make amends. “Nothing. Alexander just meant that he needs some time away to… rebuild his bonds and relationships.”

“You’re lying,” Jace says. “I want to hear the truth, Alec. Why can’t you come right now?”

Maybe it’s Magnus’s hand on his back that keeps Alec from thinking straight, but a new possibility reveals itself in front of Alec’s eyes. Why lie? Why keep pretending? Jace would find out, eventually. It’s not like Jace can stop it from happening, so why not drop the friendly act and spill the truth? That way Jace will finally leave him alone.

“I want Magnus to break our parabatai bond, Jace.”

Alec has never paid too much attention to Clary, mainly because he’s always been too focused on hating her guts, but he has to give her some credit. She’s a fast thinker. She sees Jace’s hand flying to his back pocket to take out a knife-or is it a stele- and she puts herself in the middle of the way. Jace is not even looking at Alec, but at Magnus.

“I won’t let you do that,” Jace says, struggling to keep his fighting pose with Clary right in front of him. “You’ve brainwashed him.”

“I asked him to, he never mentioned it.”

“Do you want me to die, Alec?” Jace spits out. “You know what happens to Shadowhunters when their parabatai dies. It’s like you’re missing half of your soul. I can’t live like that.”

“This is different,” Alec says. “I’m not going to die. I just want the bond broken”

“If you break our bond,” Jace’s  cold angry voice is back, reminding Alec of his childhood tantrums, “you’ll be dead to me.”

Alec gives him a sad smile. “I just want you to leave me alone. But you won’t as long as we’re bonded.”

“ _The Angel do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me.”_ Jace quotes. “You’ll be punished, Alec. We’re for life.”

“It’s funny, you’ve never believed in the Angel or all that bullshit. And now, suddenly, He’s going to punish me for trying to get away from you? How convenient.”

“Alec, I’m begging you,” he says, but it doesn’t seem like a plead to Alec. “You’ll be seen as a traitor. Robert and Maryse, they won’t understand.”

They never have, Alec thinks. Isabelle is looking at him like she doesn’t know who he is, all traces of love and happiness gone from her face. She looks like a stranger. Simon doesn’t seem too interested in whatever’s going on, but he doesn’t complain about it either. Clary keeps trying to drag Jace away. They’ve never understood.

“That’s okay,” Alec says. “I don’t think I’ll be missed that much. And I could always come back to the Institute after that since, you know, it’s kind of prison for traitors.”

Izzy looks like she’s been slapped across the face. They’ve never quite discussed their opinions on their parents belonging to the Circle as Valentine’s pets, but they don’t need to. Alec knows they were wrong, still are, about many things. If they weren’t so scared of the Clave, they’d be with Valentine right now. Izzy doesn’t seem to agree.

“That’s enough,” Magnus says softly. “I think it’s time for you to go. I wish I could say it was lovely to see you, but it wasn’t.”

Simon looks pleased when Izzy turns around and stomps to the door, not looking back at Alec at all as she makes her way out. He follows her without saying much, except for a tiny wave he gives Magnus. Clary looks like she wants to say something, but nothing comes out of her mouth. She focuses instead on talking quietly to Jace, until he lets himself be pushed to the door.

“You’re making a mistake, Alec. You can’t do this,” is all he gets to say before Magnus is closing the door on his face.

“Alexander, are you alright? Sit down. I think that was enough action for today.”

Alec sits on the empty chair and reaches out for Magnus, who rushes to stand in front of him. Alec rests his forehead against Magnus’s stomach while the warlock plays with his hair. Alec tries to hold the tears in, but there are too many of them and his eyes feel like they’re on fire.

Magnus pulls away when he feels the wetness on his shirt. “Baby,” is all he says as he crouches down to meet Alec’s gaze.

Alec just buries his face in his hands and cries. He feels Magnus’s magic trying to calm him down and Magnus’s hands on his shoulders, his lips pressed to his temple, but nothing works.

This is a different kind of pain.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

“That’s enough, Alexander.”

Alec doesn’t move an inch from where he’s lying on Magnus’s bed. He doesn’t even move his head or open his eyes, and he wasn’t aware that he and Magnus were having a conversation. Alec wishes the mattress would swallow him whole. Literally.

“Enough of what?” he asks into the pillow.

Magnus moves closer and rips the covers away. Alec feels the cold bite at him but he doesn’t move, so Magnus sighs and makes the pillows disappear. Alec still doesn’t move.

“You haven’t left the bed in two days,” Magnus says. “To be honest you’re beginning to scare me.”

“I’ve left the bed,” Alec whines. “I showered this morning.”

Magnus’s voice turns softer. “Alec, please. You need to get up.”

Alec ignores him. He’s not wallowing in self-pity, per se. There’s a sharp fear in his gut, mainly because he knows they’ll be back for him. The thought is far from comforting. Alec’s always known this-or so he thinks now. What Jace lacks in modesty he makes up for in stubbornness. He won’t give up any time soon, which is why Alec needs to break the bond before they come back and drag him to hell.

“If I-” Alec stops, corrects himself. “If you break the bond, will Jace die?”

Magnus sits next to him on the edge of the bed, says, “No, I don’t think so.”

“Is it going to hurt?”

“Are we still talking about Jonathan?”

Alec turns to look at him. He’s always been pretty to Alec, but right now he looks worn out. “Yes.”

“I’d imagine so, yes.”

Jace hurting over Alec, that’d be quite a show. Except Alec doesn’t want him to hurt. He wants to stop feeling like an extension of Jace. He wants to be his own person again. There’s nothing else to do. Jace will never leave him alone, because he’s always with Alec. In a sick way, they are the same person. Alec’s never wanted to hurt him.

“Can you do it now?” he asks. His voice is nothing but a whisper, like he’s scared Jace is hearing through the door. “I don’t think we have much time left.”

Magnus’s tired eyes follow his every move as Alec sits up on the bed. “It’s not my intention to tell you what to do, but Alec…”

“Yes?”

“I think you’ll regret it.”

Alec stares at the skin of Magnus’s neck. He fell asleep with his nose pressed into that spot the other night. He’s kissed that spot before.

“I thought you were going to help me,” Alec says. He doesn’t want to panic, but the fear is still heavy in his stomach like a rock. “I thought you-“

“Breathe,” Magnus tells him, reaching out to touch his cheek. “I’ll break the bond if that’s what you want, but you should know that breaking it won’t make the anger go away.”

“I’m not angry at Jace. I just want him out of my life.”

“Have you thought it through, then? Do you even know how much it’s going to hurt?” Magnus goes on. “It’s like having a part of your soul cut away from you. Are you sure this is what you want, Alexander?”

 _No. No._ “Yes. I’m sure.”

“Come here.” Magnus tugs at Alec until he’s on his lap and ruffles his hair, untangling some knots in it from when Alec showered and refused to brush it. “I’m sorry.”

Alec takes a fist of Magnus’s shirt. “What are you sorry for, Mags?”

Magnus presses a kiss to his temple and stays there for a while. “For this.”

Alec has broken his fair share of bones in his life, most of them in combat. He was bitten by a demon once, when he was fourteen. He got food poisoning twice from Izzy’s cooking. Nothing compares to this.

It starts at the center of his right palm, like someone has cut the skin open only to leave an angry wound behind. Then, it moves up on his arm until it reaches his chest, and then it’s simply everywhere. Alec feels his skin throb and then burn, as if someone is peeling it off him and throwing salt all over his body. There’s a gnawing from inside, too. Something is trying to get out. His ribcage feels smaller, like it’s trying to choke his heart and lungs. Everything itches and he can’t move an inch to scratch. Alec swallows back blood.

He can feel Magnus’s arms around him, but they only seem to cause him more pain. Alec tries to squirm away to no avail. His legs and arms are useless. So are his eyes, he can’t close them or blink and they feel dry and hot. He’s positive he’s crying when Magnus thumbs at his cheeks to wipe away the tears, but he can’t feel it.

Alec wants to die, right there and then. It becomes a real need, something he can taste. He wants it to be over. He wishes Magnus had let him die all those months ago. That would have been such a peaceful death, quiet. Alec doesn’t realize he’s screaming until his throat starts to burn, but even then he can’t hear his own screams over the throb in his head.

He thinks about Jace, then. If Jace is feeling this too.

As darkness swallows him, Alec realizes doesn’t care.

*

“Biscuit,” Magnus murmurs against his ear. “Can you open your eyes now?”

Alec’s chest feels tight. If he breathes too deeply or moves too fast his heart is going to be crushed by his ribs. He knows he’s alive because Magnus is holding him, yet he doesn’t feel alive at all. Alec makes himself smaller in Magnus’s arms and keeps his eyes tightly shut.

“Does it still hurt?”

It doesn’t exactly hurt. Alec remembers the first time he had been on a mission. Izzy and Jace were running ahead, not looking back to see if Alec was following them-because of course he was- and he tripped over a fallen branch and twisted his leg a funny way. It took no more than a week to heal, thanks to Maryse’s iratze, but the dull ache remained. It didn’t hurt, but it was there. That pain was like a shadow. Alec feels like that now, too. It hurts to remember.

“W-worked?” Alec rasps out.

Magnus seems confused for a second. “Do you mean if it worked?” He waits for Alec to nod. “You’ll have to tell me that, honey.”

Alec doesn’t want to know the answer, though. He wishes he wasn’t here, or at the Institue, or anywhere. Dread starts to fill him up bit by bit, so does panic. If it did work, then he’s free. That means he can’t go back home. His parents will never forgive him, nor will Izzy or Max. Or Jace. If it didn’t work, then he’s stuck with Jace forever, dead end. If Magnus couldn’t break the bond, no one can. Alec doesn’t want to know.

“You’ll feel better in a bit, alright? I’m sorry it hurt,” Magnus tells him. “But whatever the result is, you’ve got me, yeah?”

Alec realizes he’s still holding onto Magnus’s shirt. He didn’t let go of it during the whole process. He tries to find some meaning in that, yet his mind is too tired to find metaphors into stupid things.

I’m afraid, he wants to say. Instead, “I want to die.”

It’s not a secret. Magnus has always known this, even when Alec did a great job at hiding it. Magnus thought he had been trying to break the bond because he was angry at Jace, but he was wrong. He’d never admit it to anyone, but deep down he was hoping it’d kill him. He’s been wishing, silently, since the beginning that the Angel would come down and punish him, just like Jace had said. Alec never wanted to hurt Jace, he wanted to hurt himself.

He had tried to do it by his own hand and failed. That was somehow easier, because he could blame the wedding, his parents, and Jace- even Clary- but now the truth spills out of his mouth like vomit. He wasn’t trying to break the bond, he was trying to get himself killed in the process.

Magnus lets out strangled noise. “Alec.”

Alec can hear the pain there, and he hates it. He doesn’t want this life. It’s not even about Jace.

“I’ve always wanted to,” he says, hating the way he can’t feel Jace’s pulse in his palm anymore, hating himself. “I want to die, I’m sorry.”

“I love you,” Magnus says.

Alec wishes it were enough. He wishes the first time those words came out Magnus’s mouth would be in a different place, where Alec wasn’t half-dead and sweaty, where Magnus wasn’t saying it like a plea. Where it would be enough.

“I still want to,” is all Alec says. He’s turning Magnus’s shirt into a wet cloth with his tears. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re allowed to want that, Alec. You’re exhausted baby. Why don’t we go to sleep and see how you feel in the morning, huh?”

Alec buries his face in Magnus’s neck, the spot he had been eyeing before. “In the morning.”

“You won’t always want to, you know.”

“I don’t always want to,” slips out of Alec’s mouth. He’s too tired. “Not when…”

“When what, biscuit?”

Alec’s out like a light.


	11. Chapter eleven

Isabelle once told him his biggest problem was that he didn’t think things through. Alec would like to disagree. The problem is he thinks everything too much. His brain munches on things every second of every day. Alec’s problem is not that he doesn’t worry enough, it’s that he worries too much. He used to try and stop himself when he was younger, but he’s long realized he can’t help it. That’s just how his brain is wired.

Except there are times, like now, when Alec wishes he could stop thinking things over. He wishes he could enjoy this, lying next to Magnus in bed, thinking of nothing but how soft his skin is and how warm his body feels. He wishes he could stop thinking about Jace, but he can’t.

“What are you thinking about, biscuit?” Magnus asks him, a faint whisper like he’s scared of scaring Alec.

“Home,” he says. “My parents. Izzy.”

Magnus hums. “And Jace?”

Alec blinks. He should be used to Magnus guessing exactly what he’s thinking, but he’s not. It’s strange, having someone know him so well. Alec’s never had that, not even with Izzy.

“I don’t know,” Alec trembles.

“That’s fine, you know. It’s normal. You’re allowed to miss him.”

“I don’t miss him,” Alec snaps. “I _don’t_.”

Magnus stays silent for a while. He presses a kiss to the top of Alec’s head, like he always does. Alec wishes he could enjoy this.

“You’re allowed to still want him.”

“But the bond-“

“Bonds are just tags, Alexander.”

Alec takes a deep breath, says, “I loved him a lot, you know?”

“Did you?” Magnus asks, curiously. His voice is the softest it’s ever been. “You never talk about it.”

“As a brother, I think. I wanted- I don’t know. It’s stupid.”

Magnus plants a kiss on his temple, nudges him a little. “It’s not stupid, Alec. C’mon sweetheart, what were you going to say?”

“I guess I wanted someone to did for me what I did for everyone else, does that make sense?” Alec asks nervously. His hands are shaking when Magnus takes them into his. “I told myself I wanted him as a lover, but I didn’t. I wanted, well.”

“You wanted him to care, is that it?”

Alec cuddles smaller against him. “Yeah. I kind of wish…”

“Yes?”

“I wish I’d known you back then. I was pretty lonely.”

Magnus knows this part, they’ve talked about it before. Alec tries to get his mind to stop, yet there’s something in his brain that won’t stay silent long enough to let him enjoy the buzzing silence of lying next to someone you love, someone who loves you back.

“I want to go back. Soon.”

“Alright,” is all Magnus says.

“Why are you always so understanding? Surely you don’t think I’m stupid enough to think you always approve of what I say or want.”

“I don’t think you’re always right. But I think you are your own person and that you’re entitled to choose whatever you want, even if it goes against what I want.”

Alec ponders for a while. “I didn’t expect the bond-breaking thing to work,” he blurts out. “I thought it’d kill me.”

Magnus holds him tighter. “You’ve said so before.”

“I don’t understand how you’ve been living for so long and not thought about…”

“I have,” he interrupts. “But I’d never.”

Something like shame explodes in Alec’s chest. “Do you think… it’s a cowardly thing to do?”

“It’s certainly not the right thing to do, but I wouldn’t call it cowardice.”

Alec presses a small kiss to the base of his neck and closes his eyes. He’s warm, he’s being cuddled, he’s happy- for the most part. That’s until his mind starts to think too much and throw stupid thoughts at him like what if, what if, what if. There are so many things he wishes he could say to Magnus, yet he can’t.

“Can you come back with me? Please,” he adds, after a second thought. He also places another kiss to Magnus’s neck, for back up.

“Of course,” Magnus tells him, something off about his voice.

“What is it Mags?”

“They hate me, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Alec can’t argue with that. Instead, “I don’t hate you. That’s what matters.”

“Really? What’s going to happen when they sweet talk you into staying? When they say I’m not allowed in there, with you?”

“Then we’ll come back here, silly. What else is there to do?”

Magnus sighs. ”You’ll want to stay there. I wouldn’t blame you.”

“Don’t tell me what I want, Bane.”

“Have we reverted to a last name state? Cocky,” he laughs. It comes off a bit a dull. “I’ll go back with you, but I will go if they ask me to.”

“I’ll leave with you if they make you leave, you know that.”

“I don’t,” Magnus breathes. “Will you?”

  
*

As it turns out, they don’t sweet talk him into staying. In fact, they don’t sweet talk him at all.

It’s not as dramatic as Alec had imagined it would be. His parents have never liked drama, especially when it involves outsiders. Magnus had insisted they sent a message to warn they were coming or else it would seem like they were intruding. It’s still my home, Alec wanted to argue, but deep down he knew Magnus was right. So they did, and got no reply whatsoever. Not that it surprised Alec.

The moment they step into the Institute Alec starts to regret coming back. Not because of his parents or Izzy or even Jace, which is within itself a very complicated issue, but because he knows Magnus feels out of place there. Alec thinks of all the times they had summoned him there to take care of broken up Shadowhunters and then sent him away with no praise or glory, turned their heads in disgust or walked with their chin so high it seemed like their necks would break, because Magnus wasn’t one of them. There was no point in trying to hide it, so Magnus didn’t.  Still, it breaks Alec’s heart a little to watch Magnus struggling to come off as confident. He wants Magnus to stand up proud, strong, like he’s always stood next to Alec.

They go straight to Maryse’s study, Alec leading the way. He gives Magnus’s hand a tight squeeze before stepping inside.

“Maybe I should wait for you outside,” Magnus whispers softly, not moving an inch from where he’s standing outside the room. “They didn’t want me there last time.”

“I want you there,” Alec says.

Magnus gives him a little smile and follows him inside. They stand side by side, but not really touching. Alec doesn’t need to touch him to know he’s there. He’d known Magnus was standing next to him even if he was blind. His magic pours out of him so steadily it’s impossible to miss. Like a heartbeat, Alec thinks, and turns to face his parents.

“We didn’t think you’d come,” Robert starts. Surprisingly, he doesn’t seem upset by the fact that Alec did come. “Izzy and Jace are on a mission, you’ve just missed them.”

Alec smiles, a little. “I didn’t come to see them.”

“What did you come for, then?” Maryse asks, putting down the book she was reading. “Max is in one of his lectures.”

“Did Jace tell you-?” Alec pauses. Jace obviously didn’t, if he had they wouldn’t be so calm. “I came here to tell you something. It’s better if you hear it from me.”

Robert and Maryse share a look. It’s certainly not a pleased one. They try very hard not to look at Magnus, Alec’s noticed. Maybe it’s better this way.

“I asked Magnus a while ago to break my parabatai bond with Jace,” Alec says, laughing internally at the way their faces turn from confused, to horrified, to angry.

“Are you telling us that you asked a warlock to use dark magic to break a holy bond?” Maryse shrieks. “An oath?”

“Why would you do that?” Robert asks. He’s not as upset as Maryse is, but he’s upset enough for his voice to grow louder and louder. “How can you turn your back on your brother like that?”

“Jace is not my brother,” Alec replies. That only makes matters worse. “That’s not the point-“

Maryse cuts him off with a wave of her hand. “You shouldn’t have come back here, Alexander. What you’ve done- only a traitor would do.”

Alec stays silent. Magnus does not. “If you allow me, I’d like to point out that the only reason Alec left this place was because you weren’t supporting him in the first place.”

“I thought…”

“You thought wrong,” Maryse says, her voice unwavering. “Who are you, anyways? I can barely recognize you right now. Isabelle said you were different now, but this? This is ridiculous.”

Robert sighs. “I thought only the middle child suffered from attention problems.”

Alec gapes. “You think I’ve done this for attention? For your attention?”

“First you try to…” Maryse swallows. “Now the bond. To betray your parabatai is to betray the Angel himself.”

Alec wants to laugh, so he does. “I came to tell you I had some good news. I came to try and explain Magnus’s and I” Don’t say friendship, don’t say friendship, don’t say friendship. “Relationship.”

Alec hadn’t expected them to jump up and down with joy. He hadn’t even expected them to completely understand or even congratulate him. He had expected and awkward silence, maybe a frown. But to see the disgust on their faces feels worse than the death rune did. Somehow, it hurts even more. He knows what they’re thinking. Magnus’s blood status will be discussed, thoroughly, by the Clave. Then, everyone will know. Robert and Maryse have never liked controversy. Alec will save them the trouble.

He turns away, finds that Magnus is already looking at him. Alec gives him a shaky smile and a nod, shrugs it off. Parents, he’ll say when they’re out of the room, out of this place, they never say what you need to hear. Magnus will laugh. They’ll be okay.

He starts to make his way out, Magnus following, then stops. “I also came to say it didn’t work.”

Robert blanches at that. “What?”

“You should have started by saying that-“

“No,” Alec says. “You should have welcomed me home anyways.”

He runs into Isabelle on his way out. She’s sweaty, her hair wet and glued to her skin. There’s black blood on her boots. She sees them and opens her mouth, maybe to apologize or maybe to yell at him some more, but Alec turns his head and keeps walking.

Nobody tries to stop him.

*

“We should go to Hawaii,” Magnus tells him, all bed hair and hickeys. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you tanned.”

Alec lets out a laugh. “We should. My skin would like that.”

“I bet it would.”

They’re silent for a second. “You’re not going to change your mind, are you Alexander?”

“No,” Alec shakes his head.

“They’ll come around.”

“I don’t care if they don’t,” he mutters. “I have other things in mind right now.”

Magnus smiles. It’s a sad smile. “You miss them, don’t you?”

Alec ignores him. “So, Hawaii?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM


	12. 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

 

Even though Magnus _is_ the High Warlock of Brooklyn he still has to work. Alec is not sure he can even complain when their trip is over. It was a good month, and Magnus was right. Alec’s skin really liked the sweet sun. At first glance he looks like any other tourist, all smiles and caramel skin, but when the glamour wears off he’s got all his runes on display, the black scar on his wrist that refuses to heal, the sadness he’s tried so hard to shrug off but that still sits heavy on his shoulders.

“I’ll be back before you know it, okay?” Magnus presses a kiss to his temple. They’ve only been back in his loft for thirty minutes but he’s already got a client waiting for him. “You can pick what you want to eat for lunch.”

Alec smiles. He can feel the relaxation and calmness from their holidays draining from his body already. “Yeah. I should probably check my phone. Um, to see if-“ _If they’ve bothered to call._ Magnus made him leave it at the loft before they left for Hawaii, and Alec’s eternally grateful for it. If he had taken it with him the trip would have gone really bad. Even though _they_ were always in the back of his mind that would have been just a constant reminder of why he needed to get away.

“Alexander,” Magnus squeezes his hand. “Even if they haven’t texted or called… it’s only been a month. Do you want to wait until I get back to check your phone?”

“No,” Alec swallows. If they didn’t even call he doesn’t want Magnus’s pity. He’d rather deal with it on his own. “I’ll see you at lunch. Chinese?”

Magnus leans in to kiss him. His mouth tastes like salt water and pineapple. Or maybe Alec’s just holding on to Hawaii too tightly. “Call me if you need anything.”

Once Magnus’s gone, Alec takes his time building the courage to turn on his phone. His hands feel as shaky as they did when he picked the stele months ago. He tells himself he doesn’t care, but he still holds on to that small hope. Jace’s pride probably didn’t allow him to even text Alec, but there’s always Izzy. He wishes she called him or left a message or anything so hard it becomes a physical need he can taste in his mouth.

Anticipation builds up in his heart like a poorly put together house. There are no missed calls, no messages waiting to be heard, except for a text message from an unknown number. Alec manages to take a deep breath as he opens the text. Izzy’s name is the only thing going through his mind. Like a prayer. _Let it be Izzy, please._ It’s not her.

_Hi alec, we need to talk call me when you can. This is clary btw xx_

Alec dumps his phone on the bed and sits down on the floor, his back to the wall. He’s been gone for thirty days, hasn’t even given them a signal that he’s alive or that he’s okay, and yet they obviously don’t care enough to text him. His own sister feels like a stranger. Alec doesn’t know what he was expecting (except maybe he does, something that he already knew wasn’t going to happen) but it certainly wasn’t a text from Clary Fray. An old one, by the way, two weeks old.

His curiosity gets the best of him. Besides, he knows if Clary wants to meet up it has to be while Magnus is away. Alec doesn’t want to drag him further into this mess. He presses call and waits.

She picks up after the fifth ring. “ _Alec_ , hey. I-“

“What do you want?” Alec asks. His own voice surprises him. It comes out bored and cold, even though he feels a little nauseous at the thought of talking to her.

She seems hesitant to go on, like Alec has caught her off guard. “Jace wants to talk to you.”

Nausea hits him hard, but so does anger. “Really? Then why hasn’t he called?”

“You _know_ him, Alec. He’s too stubborn to even admit it, and too proud to reach out first,” Clary says. “It’s been… a month. Even Isabelle-“

“She hasn’t called either,” Alec cuts her off. He’s starting to regret not waiting for Magnus. There’s an itch under his skin, like a bug, and he feels insignificant again.

“They went looking for you,” Clary speaks in a hushed whisper. “Jace made me promise not to say anything about it.”

“They?”

“Izzy and Jace. They went to Magnus’s loft behind your parents’ back but you weren’t there. I- look, no offense, but maybe you should give in a little too.”

Alec stares down at his wrist as he talks. “Okay. Text me the time and place, I’ll be there,” he says and hangs up on her.

It hasn’t even been a minute when his phone buzzes in his hand with a new text. Jace’s name is on the screen this time. _Back of the Institute in 30 minutes._

*

“You’re tanned,” Jace says as soon as Alec steps into view. “You’re fucking tanned.”

Alec tries to swallow past the knot his vocal cords have become. “And?”

“Did you go to the beach?” Jace frowns. His words are like daggers. “You were having fun, weren’t you? While I was stuck here thinking you were-“

“That I was wallowing in self-pity, missing you?” Alec bites back. He did wallow for the first few days of the trip, until Magnus showed him exactly how fun it was to go skinny dipping at two in the morning and probably used some of his magic to cheer Alec up. “You’re allowed to have fun, but I’m not. Sorry, I forgot about that.”

Jace takes a step closer, says, “You could have called. It’s been a month, Alec.”

“ _You_ could have called _me._ ”

“I went to see you!” Jace shouts at him. Alec can feel the tension between them like a living thing. “I promised Max I’d bring you back, and I had to come back home empty-handed with no news from you. Do you even know what you’ve done to that kid? To Isabelle?”

Alec rolls his eyes, but his heart skips a beat. “Right. Sorry I wasn’t there for you like you were there for me. Oh, wait. You _weren’t_.”

Jace lets out a groan; his face is too close for Alec’s liking. “Last time I checked you didn’t want me to be there for you,” his finger is digging into Alec’s chest like it wants to get to his heart. “You wanted to break our bond.”

“Because I thought you were the problem,” Alec says shaking his head. He suddenly wishes there was more space between them, because he’s starting to feel out of breath. “But I was the problem.”

“Okay, go ahead and play the victim. By the Angel, Alec, when are you going to grow up?”

“I actually thought you were going to apologize,” Alec says because he’s run out of accusations. “I’m such an idiot.”

“Yeah, you are,” Jace spits out. His hands have turned into fists. Alec’s have too. “A selfish scared idiot.”

One of them throws the first punch; Alec’s not sure which one of them. Jace has always been quicker in combat, and he pushes Alec against the patio wall. Alec can barely breath with Jace’s arm against his neck, but he doesn’t show it. Instead, he starts to laugh.

Jace lessens the pressure, shocked. “What’s so funny?”

“Mom’s always loved you more, you know that right?” Alec asks calmly. “This isn’t me playing victim. She’s always been so proud of you. Even my father would choose you over his own son.”

Jace lets go of him, but stays close. “That’s not true, Alec.”

“And I used to measure myself with that. Even Max,” Alec says, feeling like his heart’s breaking all over again, “has always loved you more.”

“Don’t go all Ron Weasley on me,” Jace sounds like he’s begging. Alec just wants to go away, back to Magnus’s place. “They’re more your family than they’re mine. But it isn’t a competition.”

“I know it’s not,” Alec mumbles, rubbing the spot on his neck Jace was pressing before. “I just wanted you to understand- I’m scared because it feels like…”

“Like you’re disposable?” Jace asks, almost smiling. “Tell me about it. How many last names have I gone through?”

“You’ll always be a Lightwood.”

“Yeah, well,” Jace sits down on the dirt and Alec mirrors him. “Just so you know, you’ve always been the best part of being a Lightwood to me.”

“You’re a dick. Just admit it.”

“And you’re an idiot.”

Alec smiles. “That I am.”

“I might be a dick, sometimes. Only when the situation calls for it.”

They sit together in silence for a while. Alec remembers all the times he’d look at Jace and feel nothing but self-hate. Now, he looks at him and feels the way he’s always supposed to have felt. Bonds are just tags, Magnus had told him, and he doesn’t need a bond to know this boy is his brother. Whether he likes it or not.

“Just so you know, I’m not in love with you.”

Jace blinks. “What?”

“And I’m happy for you and Clary,” Alec goes on. “I just needed time to figure it out. I wish… I wish you had been there for me while I was doing it.”

“You’re an idiot,” Jace says, but Alec doesn’t care. He knows that’s how Jace shows affection. “But I’m also an idiot. And. I’m sorry.”

“What exactly are you apologizing for?”

A blush spreads across Jace’s cheeks. “For looking the other way all this time. I knew you weren’t okay, but I didn’t want to confront you about it because I thought…” he stops, blushing even harder. “I thought it was about me. I’m sorry for letting you get bad enough to-“

“It’s okay,” Alec says, hiding his wrist away from view. “All’s forgiven, I think.”

“You need to come back home,” Jace tells him, getting closer again. “Max has been having really bad nightmares of you dying. And Izzy’s been cooking to cope. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Do Robert and Maryse…?”

Jace sighs. “They don’t even mention you. I’m sorry.”

“I’m having lunch with Magnus,” Alec says stupidly. “Do you want to tag along?”

“Can Clary come? I mean, I get it if you…”

“Sure. Um, tell Izzy too.”

Jace laughs. “I can’t believe I’m about to have lunch with the guy that tried to kill me.”

“Kill you?”

“Magnus _did_ try to break the bond.”

Alec rolls his eyes. “Bye Jace. I’ll text you the address.”

“Wait,” Jace grabs him by the elbow. “We’re okay, then?”

“I guess so. At least for now.”

*

“Where have you been?” Magnus asks him, the second he walks through the door. “I was worried out of my-“

“I love you,” Alec says. The words come pouring out of his mouth and he doesn’t care. The expression on Magnus’s face softens. “And we’re going to be late for lunch.”

“You went to the Institute, didn’t you?”

“Yeah. Um, you were right. They came around. Well, Jace did.”

“Jonathan?” Magnus’s eyes widen. “I was sure Izzy would be the first one to crack.”

“I guess some bonds are stronger than others.”

Magnus grabs him by the hips and pulls him closer. Alec feels the best he’s felt since they met. He hopes Magnus can feel it too, the way his heart seems to want to keep beating, how every breath he takes isn’t an obligation. He’s missed everyone so much.

“We,” Alec says between kisses, “are going to be late for lunch, Mags. Come on.”

“Me? Late? I’m never late, everyone else is simply early.”

Alec bites back a smile. “Stop stealing quotes from Disney movies and go change.”

“I love you too, by the way.”

“I know.”


End file.
